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Entry tags:
breakdown
You know those moments when you feel, unreservedly, wholeheartedly, and without doubt, that you and what you do are worth something?
This is not one of those moments.
The worst part? I feel as if even posting this is wrong-bad-evil. That I'm not allowed to feel like this, or say these things, or think these things out loud. Certainly not in my LJ. That 95% of you couldn't give a damn, and the other 5% aren't looking.
This isn't 'important'. The fate of the world doesn't hinge upon it. No-one's died. I'm not physically ill. My circumstances are just fine.
And yet the feeling persists that it is somehow socially 'wrong' of me to feel like shit right now. Or depressed. Or angry. Or anything other than happy and cheerful and ZOMG!SQUEE! with eleventy-thousand exclamation marks after every statement.
As far as I can see on my f-list, I'm the only one who posts emotional rants at the universe without a 'good reason' (politics is generally something that gets people up in arms, and is therefore classified a 'good reason'). Which makes me wonder. Is it just that everyone else self-censors (which makes me an attention whore), or is it that other people don't get depressed or angry for no 'good reason' (which makes me aberrant), or is it something else entirely (maybe I've cut all the other dwama llamas from my f-list so I was the only one whose dramatics I have to endure)?
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm depressed.
And although a part of me insists that I should, I'm not going to apologise for feeling that way, whether the reader thinks I have a 'good reason' or not.
This is not one of those moments.
The worst part? I feel as if even posting this is wrong-bad-evil. That I'm not allowed to feel like this, or say these things, or think these things out loud. Certainly not in my LJ. That 95% of you couldn't give a damn, and the other 5% aren't looking.
This isn't 'important'. The fate of the world doesn't hinge upon it. No-one's died. I'm not physically ill. My circumstances are just fine.
And yet the feeling persists that it is somehow socially 'wrong' of me to feel like shit right now. Or depressed. Or angry. Or anything other than happy and cheerful and ZOMG!SQUEE! with eleventy-thousand exclamation marks after every statement.
As far as I can see on my f-list, I'm the only one who posts emotional rants at the universe without a 'good reason' (politics is generally something that gets people up in arms, and is therefore classified a 'good reason'). Which makes me wonder. Is it just that everyone else self-censors (which makes me an attention whore), or is it that other people don't get depressed or angry for no 'good reason' (which makes me aberrant), or is it something else entirely (maybe I've cut all the other dwama llamas from my f-list so I was the only one whose dramatics I have to endure)?
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm depressed.
And although a part of me insists that I should, I'm not going to apologise for feeling that way, whether the reader thinks I have a 'good reason' or not.
no subject
It really is ok to be crappy, its only when you live the 24/7 that its a real problem. Otherwise, it's just a state that can give you a new perspective.
((hugs))
no subject
People need a place to vent - I do it, both on my lj and with friends. Every now and again, I feel like I *have* to do it on LJ, because I don't want to bore/upset the people around me and writing it down gets it out in some kind of coherent way. A lot of times I find something else to focus on - especially with anger - but it doesn't always work because there are times you just have to be angry or depressed, and that's ok.
Anyway - I love you no matter what you post. *hugs*