breakdown

[seldear]

You know those moments when you feel, unreservedly, wholeheartedly, and without doubt, that you and what you do are worth something?

This is not one of those moments.

The worst part? I feel as if even posting this is wrong-bad-evil. That I'm not allowed to feel like this, or say these things, or think these things out loud. Certainly not in my LJ. That 95% of you couldn't give a damn, and the other 5% aren't looking.

This isn't 'important'. The fate of the world doesn't hinge upon it. No-one's died. I'm not physically ill. My circumstances are just fine.

And yet the feeling persists that it is somehow socially 'wrong' of me to feel like shit right now. Or depressed. Or angry. Or anything other than happy and cheerful and ZOMG!SQUEE! with eleventy-thousand exclamation marks after every statement.

As far as I can see on my f-list, I'm the only one who posts emotional rants at the universe without a 'good reason' (politics is generally something that gets people up in arms, and is therefore classified a 'good reason'). Which makes me wonder. Is it just that everyone else self-censors (which makes me an attention whore), or is it that other people don't get depressed or angry for no 'good reason' (which makes me aberrant), or is it something else entirely (maybe I've cut all the other dwama llamas from my f-list so I was the only one whose dramatics I have to endure)?

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm depressed.

And although a part of me insists that I should, I'm not going to apologise for feeling that way, whether the reader thinks I have a 'good reason' or not.

Comments

[tweets.livejournal.com]

Actually, you're not the only one to suffer mood swings like this! Personally, I've been on a downer for a week or so (although that could be my cold, plus the undecorated state of our house, or something.....) but often find myself feeling angry, for no reason at all.

Unfortunately, when I get tired/angry/frustrated/depressed? Writing is the very last, ultimate thing I ever feel like doing. That's why my LJ has gone horribly quiet.

[angelsasha.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Oh honey, we all feel that way once in a while. I don't post on LJ about it, because I often don't even talk about it. Ever since I was tiny and my Dad moved out, I've been one to keep things to myself. I cry in bed at night, in the dark, on my own, trying to make sure noone hears. It's ingrained and hard to grow out of, believe me.

We all deal with our feelings in our own ways, there is no 'right' or 'wrong', no 'one size fits all'. If it works for you, then it's good. If it doesn't work for you, try something else.

If you feel better after posting about it on LJ, then keep doing it. Bollocks to everyone else. *hugs*

[sleekuk.livejournal.com]

Posting is good. Posting helps?

I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon x

[elaran.livejournal.com]

You're not the only one.

Sometimes I post to a custom flocked group I know won't make comments about how I should "pour myself a huge glass of toughen the fuck up" like some people on my flist would react which makes me feel worse.

Or I tend to make posts you can't comment on. Or I post them under an eljay cut with the tag saying that I'm ranting/feeling down so only people who want to read it will click on the link.

Anyway, fuck what everyone else thinks. If you're feeling down, you can write it down if you want to. And if we don't want to read it, that's our problem, not yours.

Also, *hugs*

[snoggingpicard.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely not the only one -- angry, tired, and frustrated is pretty common for me. ;) I don't usually share the way I feel with many people, either online or in real life. I guess most can pick up on my emotional state, but I usually don't talk about it with others. Everyone's different, and if posting helps at all -- even to just get those feelings out in the open -- don't let anything stop you from doing that. *hugs*

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Nonononono do not ever feel you have to apologize for your feelings.
I do a similar thing off and on, as well. It's okay to be down once in a while.

[distant-cord.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

Personally, I self-censor. A lot. I very rarely post about how I'm feeling emotionally. I simply don't post at all. Which is sometimes why my LJ goes quiet from time to time. But just because I do that doesn't mean you should. If you want to rant or scream or WOE!, that's perfectly acceptable. There's nothing wrong with feeling down for 'no good reason', and I really question the attitudes of people who make you feel so.

[viralaserithan.livejournal.com]

Oh girly.... have you read my personal LJ? Ever? The whole thing is one huge rant. lol.

Seriously, though. Ranting helps, whether it's face to face to a friend or through a public blog. It's like...therapy for free. And like so many others have already said before me, you're definitely not the only one to feel this way. No one should ever criticize you for feeling down and needing to talk about it. They might offer suggestions or encouragement, but that's the only proper response when someone's hurting. There is no such thing as a good or bad reason.

Sometimes you just are.

::lots of hugs::

PS: sorry if that was rambling...I'm just starting to wake up, so my thoughts might not be as coherant as they think they are. o.o

[allisnow.livejournal.com]

Add me to the group that self-censors. At least on LJ. Chat is a different story, because at least then I get instant gratification ;)

Seriously, though -- whatever helps you feel better or vent or work through whatever you're feeling... it's a good thing. Don't worry what anybody who's reading is thinking, because I bet 9 times out of 10 the happyhappysquee stuff is at best just a part of how any given person is feeling, and at worst a coverup.

[stef94.livejournal.com]

I've suffered from moodswings since I was 15. I get depressed for no conceivable reason. I feel depressed and frustrated and angry and I almost always hole up and try to take a break from the world. If I write, it's not very articulate and extremely whingy and usually only serves to fuel my own frustration with the situation.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm depressed.

I can't tell you how often I feel that way, even though my life is good and I have nothing too serious to worry or complain about.
Frustrating as hell, and probably the reason I don't often write when I'm in that headspace.

[mtgat]

Everybody feels this way. I post private entries when I do, so it's a kind of self-censor, yes. But the thing is, it's your LJ and you can post what you're feeling, full stop.

[starfinn.livejournal.com]

None of it is right or wrong, it simply IS. You owe nothing to f-list readers nor do you need to explain yourself. This is your world we are peeking in on. You have total control here. If you want to be pissed, be pissed! Or any other emotion. All we really can do is be here to bear witness for you, offer you hugs, hold up the punching bag or wrap you in a warm blanket to remind you that you are not alone in these things, that you are heard and you are cared for.

It really is ok to be crappy, its only when you live the 24/7 that its a real problem. Otherwise, it's just a state that can give you a new perspective.

((hugs))

[celsitude.livejournal.com]

No fronts needed. Be you, be pissed, angry, depressed - it's human nature and your friends love you during all stages. It's real and it's who you are.

People need a place to vent - I do it, both on my lj and with friends. Every now and again, I feel like I *have* to do it on LJ, because I don't want to bore/upset the people around me and writing it down gets it out in some kind of coherent way. A lot of times I find something else to focus on - especially with anger - but it doesn't always work because there are times you just have to be angry or depressed, and that's ok.

Anyway - I love you no matter what you post. *hugs*

[madjm.livejournal.com]

There's no reason you should apologize. Depression is something that everyone experiences, and for some people it's just worse than others. There's nothing you can do to just control it or "cheer up" or whatever. But whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better is what you should do. If that's venting about how shitty you feel, go for it!

FWIW...

[wiliqueen.livejournal.com]

I get that way. And from the evidence I've gathered, I do so a damn sight less than average for an adult living in our society.

"Self-censor" implies active decision, though. Me, I just have no motivation to post about it, along with my not motivation to do anything else. Hardly a noble distinction setting us apart. *wry g*

[sharim.livejournal.com]

*SMOOCH*

You forgot the big% of people that do read this and care about you. I'd rather you posted on here when you felt like this and shared it with us, and than keeping it all to yourself and having to 'go it alone' so to speak.

IN terms of self-censoring... I do, a lot. I normally post about things AFTER i'm done being upset about them, because that's the way I am. I don't often talk about things when they're actually happening... so it's in no way a reflection of you being an 'attention whore'.

Dude, sometimes this whole internet thing really sucks because it's times like this where I wish I could just drop around with a block of chocolate (or ice cream) and we could just hang out. Seriously.

*SMOOCH*

You are an amazing person, Selina, and I hope you don't ever forget that. You care more than a lot of people, and feel things deeper I think, so it makes sense that you hurt more. ANd did that just sound totally fengshui or what?!

*g*

All that matters is I adore you, and I think you're brilliant and I don't want you to apologise for feeling like this. *HUG*

[erica-w.livejournal.com]

I'm a bottler, not a venter. I'm not one who expresses my feelings very well, especially in those kinds of moods (and trust me, I experience them often). I want to just go and hide and make the world leave me alone or I'll start stabbing randomly. And I'm afraid I'll throw the computer through the window so I tend to avoid it.

I also feel that you being a writer, your instinct is to release your frustrations through writing. I am very much *not* a writer. Ask my English teachers in school.

[slm76.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I'll be going "woe is me" at some point. After all, I think the world is just saving it all up for a really crappy day.

[technosage.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I do self-censor, in that I just to feel like people read my lj for my personal stuff. But then I rarely post personal stuff of any kind, good or bad.

But, me, I'm a very private person. I have a public face and a very different private one. I don't get to be upset in public, unless I'm angry. It's one of those childhood things in part, and in part it's just a choice that if I feel like shit, I'm not going to tell the world cuz that's not going to help. I'll seek out the one or two people who might actually make me feel better and talk to them.

I suppose it's like the fact that when I'm sick is when I tend to get dressed and put on make-up to go out. If I look good, I'll feel better.

That's a me thing, to answer your question about what "we" do.

As for you, there's nothing wrong with using your lj to tell people you're having a bad day. It's your lj. So if you find it useful, comforting or otherwise helpful to do, go for it. I have plenty of people on my flist who post things like this and my response is always pretty much this one. I come, I pat, I say don't fret and feel better, because sometimes that's all that's neeeded.

If there's more, and you need to talk, I'll be around after Heroes tonight writing. Ping me.

*hugs again for good measure*

[hyari.livejournal.com]

I used to have more WOE! posts than I do now, so I guess I do self-censor. Or I'll refer to it obliquely. But when it comes down to it, when I'm feeling down, I don't post cause posting takes effort, and when I'm tired/frustrated/depressed/angry, I avoid any thing that takes effort.

But *hugs* to you. *hugs*

[crayonbreakygal.livejournal.com]

I do selfcensor some here, but I think in reality it helps to rant on LJ. If we ranted in RL all the time, I think it wouldn't be a good thing. Here we have people who will listen, where in RL I find that people get more annoyed than anything. So keep ranting away!

And ditto on the tired/frustrated/angry/depressed thing. Going through the same damn thing too.

[sesaworuban.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I think I self-censor a little bit but also, on the whole, I don't just feel depressed or angry or frustrated very often... especially 'for no reason'.

I suppose all I can offer you are some thoughts on why I don't think I feel those things or how I've dealt with them when I have. Maybe some of the techniques can help you... assuming you actually want to *not* feel these things rather than just be told that everyone else feels them and they're just not LJ-ing them or that you should/can just keep on ranting - which is fine by me, of course, but maybe not for you. :)

I think the three key things for me and my generally pretty happy life are:

1.) High Internal Locus of Control
2.) Basic NLP Techniques
3.) A Sense of Perspective

High Internal Locus of Control:
It's thought that people who have a high internal locus of control are generally happier and more content in their lives. This technical term (hope I'm not teaching you to such eggs - apologies if I am) means people who think that they personally have a large element of control over themselves and their lives and that their actions really do have consequences (both good and bad).

For me, this translates to being aware that everything I do is a choice and I have a responsibility to make that choice. Sometimes it's a pretty obvious choice - to continue to be friends with people I care about or to never speak to them again (!) and sometimes it's less obvious - to stay in a contract I hate but that pays well. I make the obvious choices every day without thinking about them too much but I'm still making them. The less obvious choices, I have to do the best I can with the evidence I have and then deal with the consequences; sometimes I'll get it right and sometimes I'll get it wrong but either way, I learn more about myself, the people around me and how I make better choices.

Most importantly is realising the power and responsibility I personally hold. I have enormous power to guide my own life in a lot of things but with that comes the recognition that I also have a responsibility to myself to make good choices.

Finally, sometimes you really don't have control over the situation but in these cases, you can generally have control over how you react to them especially if they're not super-serious. This has helped me at work when people do dumb things. I *could* get annoyed and frustrated but I could also just laugh about it and move on. I can choose.

Basic NLP Techniques:
Again with the 'sucking eggs' thing if you've done any psychology but NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is, I think, around making immediate changes to your life through just acting as you think someone without whatever issue you have would act and consiously reprogramming how you think (such as shutting up that annoying internal voice that tells you you're crap). Sometimes, if something really shitty has happened to you in the past (rape, abandonment, bereavement etc.), you have to work through it in the standard ways of talking about it and trying to come to terms with the base issue... this, of course, can take years. NLP is a more immediate solution that (IMHO) probably only works with less major issues whereby you just say "How would a happy/sorted/not depressed person deal with this?". Often it helps to imagine a real or well known imaginary character. How would my admired-best-mate-or-family-member deal with this? How would Sam Carter deal with this? And then just copy that person's actions. I know that, for example, NLP has been quite effective for people trying to lose weight. If you just start thinking and acting like a slim person, you become slim. For you, if you just start acting like someone who's outgoing, bright-eyed and happy, maybe you can become that person even if it feels a little forced and unnatural at the start. This worked very well for me when I was younger and massively lacking confidence... I just pretended I was confident and over the years, the fakeness disappeared.

CONTINUED...

[sesaworuban.livejournal.com]

...CONTINUED

A Sense of Perspective
I ummed and ahhed about putting this one in at all because it probably sounds really condescending but what the hell. Even at my worst moments (and there have been plenty in 2006), I am still comforted by lots of things. When I am at the bottom of that pit, they do seem a *very* long way away and emotionally, I might not even be able to appreciate them but rationally I do kind of accept that they are there and that helps at least a little bit. This has helped me in my worst moments surrounding Baby's death. I lost so so much and I have a horrible feeling I still don't appreciate quite how much I have lost and won't until I have a live baby but it also made me realise quite how much I *do* have (my husband, my health, my family etc. etc.) when I hear about other people's situations that are even worse. You have the added 'bonus' of always knowing you have God's love - something I really picked up as important to sleekuk (and therefore, I assume other Christians) this weekend.

One area that I haven't covered off that I found out about reading a book on depression recently is that, being upset over something specific is fine (especially if you follow the points above to try to fix it) but if you're really just depressed for no reason, it could be a chemical thing and no amount of psychological work is going to fix that... you need drugs! :) And, in the UK at least, you can have a conversation with your GP about it... and if that one's useless, you try another and another until you get the support you need.

Of course, this has all been a hugely waffly reply ('cos I have time as I'm at work) and it's possible as I mentioned at the start that you're quite comfortable being tired, frustrated, angry and depressed especially if you've been like it for a while because it's hard work to break the cycle. Your post could just be a statement to elicit 'ack-don't-worry-about-it' sentiments so you can be comfortable to keep doing it (which is fine, I guess)... but if you're sick of it and this post is a request for help, suggestions and support to make a change, then there *are* ways out.

I'm sure I will continue to read your posts for quite a while yet because I'm your friend... but also because I'm your friend, I would love to see you be able to write lots of happy posts about how cool your life is. :)

P.S. Having read other people's comments on your post *after* writing my comedy-long reply, I'm wondering if I got the wrong end of the stick and that you actually have plenty of happy moments, you're just making the statement that you feel you're more likely to post your rants rather than your happy moments. If that's the case, a lot of my reply may be completely irrelevant because yes, you can post whatever you want to post on LJ (as long as it's helping and not just emphasizing the crappy moments). For me, even though I don't have that many rants or truly depressed moments in the first place, I probably keep them to myself more than I would keep a happy moment because within reason, I don't want to give them more power than they deserve - which gets back to the super-long reply above. ;)

[jeyla4ever.livejournal.com]

Seldita!

*snap out of it*

Aw...come here and let me give you a hug!

Seriously, we all have our moments..and it's okay to have these moments...just make sure that it's only a passing thing and don't dwell on it too much....it can get worse....

Go take a big jug of ice cream and put on the DVD and watch your favorite shows....and then go for a nice long walk....

don't apologize, there is no reason to...and talking or writing helps...always...

and by the amount of responses here...people do care!

*hugs*

Camy

[sjhw-tolerance.livejournal.com]

::looks around for the big stick:: I think you need to change your statistics because it's obvious that people *do* care. Write whatever the heck you want in LJ, we all have different ways that we use this journal and so use it the way that works best for you.