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Entry tags:
breakdown
You know those moments when you feel, unreservedly, wholeheartedly, and without doubt, that you and what you do are worth something?
This is not one of those moments.
The worst part? I feel as if even posting this is wrong-bad-evil. That I'm not allowed to feel like this, or say these things, or think these things out loud. Certainly not in my LJ. That 95% of you couldn't give a damn, and the other 5% aren't looking.
This isn't 'important'. The fate of the world doesn't hinge upon it. No-one's died. I'm not physically ill. My circumstances are just fine.
And yet the feeling persists that it is somehow socially 'wrong' of me to feel like shit right now. Or depressed. Or angry. Or anything other than happy and cheerful and ZOMG!SQUEE! with eleventy-thousand exclamation marks after every statement.
As far as I can see on my f-list, I'm the only one who posts emotional rants at the universe without a 'good reason' (politics is generally something that gets people up in arms, and is therefore classified a 'good reason'). Which makes me wonder. Is it just that everyone else self-censors (which makes me an attention whore), or is it that other people don't get depressed or angry for no 'good reason' (which makes me aberrant), or is it something else entirely (maybe I've cut all the other dwama llamas from my f-list so I was the only one whose dramatics I have to endure)?
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm depressed.
And although a part of me insists that I should, I'm not going to apologise for feeling that way, whether the reader thinks I have a 'good reason' or not.
This is not one of those moments.
The worst part? I feel as if even posting this is wrong-bad-evil. That I'm not allowed to feel like this, or say these things, or think these things out loud. Certainly not in my LJ. That 95% of you couldn't give a damn, and the other 5% aren't looking.
This isn't 'important'. The fate of the world doesn't hinge upon it. No-one's died. I'm not physically ill. My circumstances are just fine.
And yet the feeling persists that it is somehow socially 'wrong' of me to feel like shit right now. Or depressed. Or angry. Or anything other than happy and cheerful and ZOMG!SQUEE! with eleventy-thousand exclamation marks after every statement.
As far as I can see on my f-list, I'm the only one who posts emotional rants at the universe without a 'good reason' (politics is generally something that gets people up in arms, and is therefore classified a 'good reason'). Which makes me wonder. Is it just that everyone else self-censors (which makes me an attention whore), or is it that other people don't get depressed or angry for no 'good reason' (which makes me aberrant), or is it something else entirely (maybe I've cut all the other dwama llamas from my f-list so I was the only one whose dramatics I have to endure)?
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm depressed.
And although a part of me insists that I should, I'm not going to apologise for feeling that way, whether the reader thinks I have a 'good reason' or not.
no subject
I suppose all I can offer you are some thoughts on why I don't think I feel those things or how I've dealt with them when I have. Maybe some of the techniques can help you... assuming you actually want to *not* feel these things rather than just be told that everyone else feels them and they're just not LJ-ing them or that you should/can just keep on ranting - which is fine by me, of course, but maybe not for you. :)
I think the three key things for me and my generally pretty happy life are:
1.) High Internal Locus of Control
2.) Basic NLP Techniques
3.) A Sense of Perspective
High Internal Locus of Control:
It's thought that people who have a high internal locus of control are generally happier and more content in their lives. This technical term (hope I'm not teaching you to such eggs - apologies if I am) means people who think that they personally have a large element of control over themselves and their lives and that their actions really do have consequences (both good and bad).
For me, this translates to being aware that everything I do is a choice and I have a responsibility to make that choice. Sometimes it's a pretty obvious choice - to continue to be friends with people I care about or to never speak to them again (!) and sometimes it's less obvious - to stay in a contract I hate but that pays well. I make the obvious choices every day without thinking about them too much but I'm still making them. The less obvious choices, I have to do the best I can with the evidence I have and then deal with the consequences; sometimes I'll get it right and sometimes I'll get it wrong but either way, I learn more about myself, the people around me and how I make better choices.
Most importantly is realising the power and responsibility I personally hold. I have enormous power to guide my own life in a lot of things but with that comes the recognition that I also have a responsibility to myself to make good choices.
Finally, sometimes you really don't have control over the situation but in these cases, you can generally have control over how you react to them especially if they're not super-serious. This has helped me at work when people do dumb things. I *could* get annoyed and frustrated but I could also just laugh about it and move on. I can choose.
Basic NLP Techniques:
Again with the 'sucking eggs' thing if you've done any psychology but NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is, I think, around making immediate changes to your life through just acting as you think someone without whatever issue you have would act and consiously reprogramming how you think (such as shutting up that annoying internal voice that tells you you're crap). Sometimes, if something really shitty has happened to you in the past (rape, abandonment, bereavement etc.), you have to work through it in the standard ways of talking about it and trying to come to terms with the base issue... this, of course, can take years. NLP is a more immediate solution that (IMHO) probably only works with less major issues whereby you just say "How would a happy/sorted/not depressed person deal with this?". Often it helps to imagine a real or well known imaginary character. How would my admired-best-mate-or-family-member deal with this? How would Sam Carter deal with this? And then just copy that person's actions. I know that, for example, NLP has been quite effective for people trying to lose weight. If you just start thinking and acting like a slim person, you become slim. For you, if you just start acting like someone who's outgoing, bright-eyed and happy, maybe you can become that person even if it feels a little forced and unnatural at the start. This worked very well for me when I was younger and massively lacking confidence... I just pretended I was confident and over the years, the fakeness disappeared.
CONTINUED...
no subject
A Sense of Perspective
I ummed and ahhed about putting this one in at all because it probably sounds really condescending but what the hell. Even at my worst moments (and there have been plenty in 2006), I am still comforted by lots of things. When I am at the bottom of that pit, they do seem a *very* long way away and emotionally, I might not even be able to appreciate them but rationally I do kind of accept that they are there and that helps at least a little bit. This has helped me in my worst moments surrounding Baby's death. I lost so so much and I have a horrible feeling I still don't appreciate quite how much I have lost and won't until I have a live baby but it also made me realise quite how much I *do* have (my husband, my health, my family etc. etc.) when I hear about other people's situations that are even worse. You have the added 'bonus' of always knowing you have God's love - something I really picked up as important to
One area that I haven't covered off that I found out about reading a book on depression recently is that, being upset over something specific is fine (especially if you follow the points above to try to fix it) but if you're really just depressed for no reason, it could be a chemical thing and no amount of psychological work is going to fix that... you need drugs! :) And, in the UK at least, you can have a conversation with your GP about it... and if that one's useless, you try another and another until you get the support you need.
Of course, this has all been a hugely waffly reply ('cos I have time as I'm at work) and it's possible as I mentioned at the start that you're quite comfortable being tired, frustrated, angry and depressed especially if you've been like it for a while because it's hard work to break the cycle. Your post could just be a statement to elicit 'ack-don't-worry-about-it' sentiments so you can be comfortable to keep doing it (which is fine, I guess)... but if you're sick of it and this post is a request for help, suggestions and support to make a change, then there *are* ways out.
I'm sure I will continue to read your posts for quite a while yet because I'm your friend... but also because I'm your friend, I would love to see you be able to write lots of happy posts about how cool your life is. :)
P.S. Having read other people's comments on your post *after* writing my comedy-long reply, I'm wondering if I got the wrong end of the stick and that you actually have plenty of happy moments, you're just making the statement that you feel you're more likely to post your rants rather than your happy moments. If that's the case, a lot of my reply may be completely irrelevant because yes, you can post whatever you want to post on LJ (as long as it's helping and not just emphasizing the crappy moments). For me, even though I don't have that many rants or truly depressed moments in the first place, I probably keep them to myself more than I would keep a happy moment because within reason, I don't want to give them more power than they deserve - which gets back to the super-long reply above. ;)