less than a week left
Sep. 3rd, 2005 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seldearOne of those thoughtful, self-centered, non-fandomical posts that I'm prone to. Sorry, peeps, but just my thoughts.
I had planned so many things for this trip. Among them, I'd planned to have a lot more story written by now. I'd hoped to come to terms with my life and what I want out of it as my 30th b'day approaches. I'd hoped to find that spark of possibility that might propel me out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary.
I haven't found it yet.
It occurs to me that although I have a large circle of friends around the world, that circle isn't growing any larger. I don't interact with people in fandoms half as much as I used to, and the new people I meet aren't interested in developing any further friendship with me. Hell, half the old people I've met aren't interested in developing any further friendship with me.
Granted, I'm not the most conciliatory of people, nor someone with whom most people feel comfortable in person. My mother says that I'm intimidating (although she phrased it in the context of guy-girl relationships) and certainly more than one person on the f-list has indicated that they thought I was scary when they first encountered me in that long ago time before they came to know me.
Everything seems to be in stasis in my life right now. Financially, I won't be getting ahead any time soon. Relationally, the likelihood of me finding someone is slim. Emotionally, I'm at a bit of an impasse regarding friendships.
Maybe it's just because of my age and my apparent ability to be effectively forgotten. I'm just getting introspective about where I'm going and what I'm doing and why.
I had planned so many things for this trip. Among them, I'd planned to have a lot more story written by now. I'd hoped to come to terms with my life and what I want out of it as my 30th b'day approaches. I'd hoped to find that spark of possibility that might propel me out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary.
I haven't found it yet.
It occurs to me that although I have a large circle of friends around the world, that circle isn't growing any larger. I don't interact with people in fandoms half as much as I used to, and the new people I meet aren't interested in developing any further friendship with me. Hell, half the old people I've met aren't interested in developing any further friendship with me.
Granted, I'm not the most conciliatory of people, nor someone with whom most people feel comfortable in person. My mother says that I'm intimidating (although she phrased it in the context of guy-girl relationships) and certainly more than one person on the f-list has indicated that they thought I was scary when they first encountered me in that long ago time before they came to know me.
Everything seems to be in stasis in my life right now. Financially, I won't be getting ahead any time soon. Relationally, the likelihood of me finding someone is slim. Emotionally, I'm at a bit of an impasse regarding friendships.
Maybe it's just because of my age and my apparent ability to be effectively forgotten. I'm just getting introspective about where I'm going and what I'm doing and why.
