abuse and drawing the line

[seldear]

Where do you draw the line in abuse?

By abuse, I mean physical, emotional, or mental abuse - all of which are damaging in their own ways, usually on all three levels, even if the action's only on one of them.

In a book I was recently reading, a character dumped her boyfriend after he hit her the second time. The first time he hit her was allegedly an accident, but the second was definitely intentional. It helped that she wasn't really in love with him and was on the verge of dumping him anyway - ah, the convenience of storytelling!

Life isn't usually that simple.

People stay in relationships that turn abusive because of familiarity, because of habit, because of fear - fear of walking away into the unknown, fear of social disapproval, fear that the abuser is right and that's all that the recipient deserves.

So where do you draw the line? When does a reason become an excuse?

Comments

[saramund.livejournal.com]

that's a hard one.

There are accidents, slips and whoopsies that are genuine. Hell, Chris has thumped me in the arm without meaning to, and it's hurt. But the accident was obvious and real - and there was genuine alarm in his eyes when he realised he'd hurt me.

Then there's repetitive 'accidents' where the action is obvious, meditated and harmful - both emotional and physical. And I think that is the clincher to all abuse - the emotional pain. If there is intent/action that willfully damages a persons esteem, sense of self or motivation of free-speech, then that counts as abuse.

The line, I think, is ever-changing, depending on the people involved (and I'm talking, here, of 'whoops, sorry about that' things. Where there may be accidents that do harm - wrestling on the ground and an arm is accidentally broken, that sort of thing)

BUT where there is intentional beating, intentional verbal abuse, intentional abuse of any kind - the FIRST instance is the line. If the loved one doesn't resepct the victim enough to restrain his emotional state and prevent harm, then he doesn't love as the victime deserves to be loved.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

Good point on the intent. It's unfortunate that the intent of the abuser can be misread or mis-stated, though.

But thanks for the thoughts - very clarifying.

[pixiesio.livejournal.com]

I dunno how to answer your question as I've (fortunately) never been in such a situation. But your talk of the book reminds me of the first Nora Roberts book I ever read. Her female lead allowed the male lead to verbally abuse her and was *apologizing* to him, even though *he* should have been the one apologizing. I wasn't going to read any of her stuff again after that (as the story didn't get much better after that), but I got a Celtic trilogy she wrote and so far it's not too bad, but I'm only a couple of chapters in. ;)

[saramund.livejournal.com]

I'm actually a big fan of Nora Roberts - but there are a few books of hers where I thought... she wrote this crud?

There was one (can't remember the name, repressed it I think) where I felt physical rage over the characters and their stupidity/actions. Never had that reaction before (or since).

The trilogies are quite good. I especially enjoyed the Quinn brothers trilogy (deals with child-abuse, adoption, sexual assault, you name it!)

Also - she writes a detective series under the name JD Robb which I'm addicted to. The more recent books have improved in penmanship, plot, characters and overall not-quite-so-much-silhouette-romance-more-story-stuff.

[ishara.livejournal.com]

I've gotta admit that I'm addicted to her In Death series as well. I've read some of her Nora Roberts stuff as well, usually the stuff with a crime / thriller bent, but some of her supernatural stuff isn't too bad either.

I particularly liked the novel she wrote as both JD Robb and Nora Roberts, Remember When, with half of the story being set now, and the other half set in the future, with Eve and Roarke investigating a case that began in the first half of the book.

[amilyn.livejournal.com]

I wish I had an answer to this. I wish I knew how.

*hugs*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It wasn't my intention to upset you - if I did, I'm sorry. It's just one of those things I'm pondering right now in terms of relationships and their 'healthiness'.

[amilyn.livejournal.com]

You didn't upset me at all. I was just saying...your questions are good ones and ones I contemplate a lot but don't have answers to. I have no idea how to ensure healthiness or where further chances can be denied in fairness and good conscience...

Wish I had something to offer. *hugs*

[eken95.livejournal.com]

I think any relationship that causes pain in any way is one to avoid.