seldear | (no subject)

I think I may be stressed. My eyes hurt, I've put a crick in my neck somehow, and although I'm exhausted, I can't sleep. And my heartbeat was stuttering earlier for no reason I could determine. It's been doing that all day - this need to stop and take deep breaths and find somewhere to sit down because I get dizzy. And then I get dizzy sitting down, too.

I have two SG-1 story ideas, one crossover, a half-dozen JL ideas, at least 3 WIPs on the go, and one longfic series that I plotted and still haven't started writing. Then there are all the little recurring ideas that pop up from time to time and keep trying to get me to write them. And I want to write them. There's just not enough time to give them to make them worth what I see they could be. Does Terry Pratchett have this problem too?

My original fiction is up to 45K of words and I'm only on the 5th or 6th point out of twenty. I'm worried that the writing is too heavy for what I want to portray, and that I'm putting in unnecessary information. Scratch that, I know I'm putting in unnecessary information. But I still haven't fully worked out what need to stay and what needs to go. And the idea of 'massive rewrites' is new to me. Still, I'm getting at least 1K of words on it a day. I'll just have a 'Wheel of Time' series in a single book or something. HOpefully not as ponderous though.

I have the feeling that people see me either as stentorian and straitlaced, or domineering and intimidating. They may well be right, I know I have facets of those characteristics in my personality. It's a little depressing to suppose that most nearly everyone thinks of you that way, though. I'm not exactly the approachable sort. Batman, rather than Flash. Teal'c, rather than Jack. Faith, rather than Buffy. I knew there was a reason I liked those characters. Okay, so I like Jack, too, but Teal'c's got presence. He's just not the kind of person people generally feel comfy talking to. I wonder if he feels that keenly, too.

The job is good - I'm learning new things, but we're archiving a system before it's turned off permanently, so there's a deadline and that's one more thing on my plate. We've got a whole slew of temps starting next week, and I have to get a bunch of programs up and running before then, or else they'll just sit around wasting time. The kitchenette down our end of the building isn't working, and I don't know when it will be. Small, nagging things.

I've put on quite a bit of weight since I came back from overseas. I know this because I don't fit into any of my clothes. Even things I bought 6 months ago are getting tight to wear now. Oh, it doesn't look it, but it feels it, and I know I'm getting podgy. And yes, I'm sensitive after the family friend said I've gotten bigger. Admittedly, it's been at least 12 years since she's seen me, and her family leans to wiry slenderity, while mine leans to stockiness, but some barbs just stick, y'know? I'm joining a gym come Saturday (because that's when a class I want to attend starts). Just on a month-by-month basis. At least there's something I can do in that department.

On average, 6 hours of sleep a night is good. It's just not enough to make me human. And it's 1am on a night when I was tired when I got home from work, but I lie in my bed and I can't sleep. I can't sleep in, either. Even if I go to bed now, my body clock will wake me up around 6 - 6:30am. Which is good from a time point of view: I'll have time to write before I head out for the day, but bad from a rest point of view: my body really does need time to R&R.

Today is a public holiday in Australia, and I'm going to be spending about 10 hours out on the harbour. Which will probably be lots of fun, just exhausting. And probably not helpful to my state of mind. Still, as mum pointed out, "You might meet people!" As compared to what, oh mother, dear? Another sore point: my lack of real-world social life. I have two people I usually call upon for real-world socialisation - and they can't always drop everything to do stuff with me just because I want to do stuff. Basically, I need to develop some kind of contact outside of LJ and the internet and fandom. As a general rule, I'm not a sociable person. Oh, I can make talk and chat and gossip and everything, but most of my energy goes towards things most people don't, can't, or won't comprehend - and how do you explain that to someone for whom the highlight of the week is 'Trading Spaces' or 'Australian Idol'?

I could do with a life. Or a clone. A clone would mean I could delegate. Or that there'd be two of me and we'd be twice as busy with twice as many ideas and stuff. Which is really quite a horrible thought.

It's a kicker it is.

Maybe I should get a massage somewhere. There's a beauty parlour up the road by the highway. It'll be an experience. Besides, my back is full of knots and my head is caving in.

Tell you the truth, I think I'm stressed.