me, my journal, and depression

[seldear]

As I understand it, there are essentially two kinds of depression: chemical (biochemical, a tendency towards negative moods and states of mind, treatable by medication) and situational (bad things happen, not really treatable - the up-down of life).

About seven years ago, things were very screwy for me emotionally. I was down more often than I was up, and after a couple of months where I wondered how fast I would have to drive into that telephone pole to really kill myself and not just end up a paraplegic and more nights spent calling up my mother at 4am in the morning than not, I went for medication and therapy.

Clinically depressed is the medical-ese for it. A chemical imbalance that predisposes one towards the down side of emotion. My body chemistry at the time was extreme badness and the antidepressant medication got me to a plateau where I could look at the issues in my life and work them out. I weaned myself off the antidepressants after about nine months to a year.

Things have never been quite so bad since then. However, I'm aware that I have a genetic predisposition towards chemical states of body that result in depressed states of mind.

As anyone who reads this LJ is aware, I go emotionally up and down pretty fast. But, in all honesty, the big rants are the ones that spend months cumulating - bit by bit by bit - until something pushes me over the edge. Sometimes it's someone's comment, sometimes it's an attitude that irks, sometimes it's just "I've had enough", the cork pops and the anger bubbles out.

And, as several people have pointed out, I'm a writer: writing is how I get things out. Which is why LJ and the need for rantage. I used to write in a paper diary, long, long ago, and it was pretty much the same - depressing, angry, frustrated...emotional vomiting all over the page.

I do the same in this LJ. Not as much and not as negative - believe it or not, what you get is the self-censored version! And looking at my relatively calm, self-censoring, emotionally-contained LJ f-list, I think, "Yeesh. I'm toning it down and I'm still The Rantiest One Of Them All!"

Actually, you might consider yourself luckier than poor old Hello Kitty and Friends (the diary I used to write in). I wrote only emo stuff in that diary!

Earlier today, slm76 asked about the awareness of people reading their journals. I can't ever write anything in this LJ without being aware that there are people reading it - it's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I have things I want to say and for others to not only hear but listen as well. On the other, it is possible to say too much and switch people off either hearing or listening. I know I've done that often enough, too.

In the end, I really do try not to post too much depressed or angry stuff. (Yes, you are reading Sel's LJ Lite!) Most of the time, I contain the little sparks of irritation that flare up. But there's a point when the tinder just catches and those are usually the posts that you see: rage and depression and anger and everything.

I understand if people don't want to see that side of me. It hurts, because I've had people who decried the fact that I felt negatively about something and unfriended me as a result of it, but I do understand. I have a couple of people whose LJs I avoid, although that's more a question of taste and lack of common interest than me objecting to negativity on their part. And they seem to avoid mine, too, so in the scheme of things, we're all even.

Once upon a time, this was a fandom journal, but I'm no longer active in those fandoms. And I've always posted the little snippets and skerricks of my life - usually the points that interest me, which may or may not interest you. And, yes, sometimes there will be wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth. Sometimes it will be situational and will be gone the next day, and sometimes it will be an underlying melancholy for which there is no easy cure.

Either way, I appreciate the people reading this LJ and these entries who are willing to do everything from *pat-pat* to cheering me up to providing advice - any of which may be necessary during my time in the slough of despond.

Thank you to those of you willing to try, and unwilling to give up on me. I appreciate it, more than you know, and hope that I'm even half as good a friend and support to you as you are to me.

And now it is most definitely time for bed. I'm out again tomorrow night, and may be out yet again on Friday. And my internet may be sporadic come the weekend (which is good for the NaNo) because I'm moving out. Too many people in this house (6 people in a 4 bedroom house, plus 3 cats) and not enough Sel-space.

Comments

[marag.livejournal.com]

I should note that one can also have a combination of psychological and physiological depression or anxiety. That's what I have, so that's how I know :)

In any case, I'm certainly not calm, self-censoring (most of the time), or emotionally-centered, if that helps. Heh. And I don't mind reading rants. If I don't have the energy that day, I'll skip over it. That's the wonder of LJ, you know?

Just a thought, but have you considered going back on the meds? I'm finding that my life is much better if I just stay on them, because that lets me focus on the psychological aspects of my panic, rather than worrying about my body freaking out on its own.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. I know about having the combination - in fact, that was what I was trying to get at: that physiologically, I have a predisposition towards biochemical depression and the situational depression sits on top of that. So, yeah, I know where you're coming from, too.

I have considered going back on meds, never for very long. While the situations go up and down, I'm not in a near-constant suicidal funk like I was in the late nineties - and a lot of my ranting is release point: it clears my head for whatever comes next.

But I always keep in mind that I can go back if things get really bad. I just don't feel as though things are so constantly and consistantly dreadful that I can't handle them without the meds. (And while I loved the emotional effects of the medication, I hated the physical ones.)

[tweets.livejournal.com]

~HUGS~ While we may not know each other as well as I would like, I do always enjoy reading your LJ. It's strange, since our interests have diverged (I came on to your F-list when you were writing stargate a lot), but to cut you off my list just doesn't feel right. Besides, sometimes it's nice to just be an impartial ear to someone who just NEEDS to rant and let it out.

As long as you're willing to have me on your F-list, I'll be here and that includes reading rants, depressed ravings and general gripes. :)

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

I think there are quite a few people who hang around from my 'stargate period' who I don't really know and who never seem to read or comment.

Thanks. Sometimes all one needs is someone to listen and pat on the shoulder, knowing that this, too, shall pass.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

I understand being afraid of writing things sometimes. A while back I had to get something off my chest that I thought might freak some people out, but wrote it anyway, just because I had to. The cool thing was, it turned out I was the only one freaked out about it. *whew* ;)

That's great that you're making more room for yourself, though. {{hugs}}

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

Writing is cathartic for me and always has been - whether writing fiction, ranting, or diary entries. But, yes, audience is always a problem: the knowledge that someone will probably disagree to the point of severance.

[hwcarnage.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you*

My doctor and I couldn't find an antidepressants that worked for me, there was one that kept me awake for 3 days straight! to the point where I couldn't blink - that was fun :/ One that made me loose weight (I liked that one) and one that made me gain. In the end we discussed alternatives like a change in diet and more exercise/sleep.

It's helped a lot when I'm starting to feel down I go out for a walk or clean something. You know that saying ‘a clean ____ is a sign of a twisted mind?’ It's true in this house!

Have you tried a sport? or get a kick bag for the stress imagine it’s a toe sucker ;)
But most of all remember that you do have friends that care *hugs* And don’t worry about what you write on your journal, if somebody doesn’t like it fuck em it’s your bloody LJ!

*more snuggle and chocolate*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

See, the "It's my LJ, I can cry if I wanna!" only works if I do this whole totally selfish thing and forget that there are people reading this. And then there's the guilt factor: "other people have it worse than I do, so what right do I have to complain?" And the stiff-upper-lip of: "just suck it up and deal!" And the consequences factor: "Will they respect you in the morning?"

...yes, I know. Too many voices in the head.

I go to the gym semi-regularly, which helps. *snuggles* And the 'friends that care' also helps. :)

[hwcarnage.livejournal.com]

Friends that just made chocolate cookies *passes some over*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

I love you and would have your babies, except that you've already had two all by yourself!

[hwcarnage.livejournal.com]

Well there was some minor involvement by that tall guy whos always here eating my food and making a mess, but yeah mostly on my own :-D

[erica-w.livejournal.com]

Forgive me for hijacking this thread..

"other people have it worse than I do, so what right do I have to complain?"

I think you have every right. Just because someone else may have it worse doesn't mean that you can't have it bad. Be thankful for what's good, do what you can to change the bad (like moving out so you can finally have some peace!). Keeping yourself miserable doesn't do any good for anybody else.

My two cents. *shrug* Though I'm not sure I was able to truly convey what I wanted to. ;o)

[poteidia.livejournal.com]

I think marag has a good suggestion, about going back on the meds. If you're anything like me, you really don't want be on them any longer than you need to be. I was on mine for 18 months then weened off. Last week I started taking them again, and believe that if I'd just stuck with them in the first place I'd have been able to cope with the problems that came up far more easily, instead of going into meltdown again.

You should be able to post whatever you want to, especially if it's helping you to get it off your chest. People always have the option to scroll past if they don't want to read. And to be honest, sometimes I enjoy reading your rants - it's good to see that there are people out there with that much passion, no matter what it's about.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

See, I'm just not sure that the state of mind warrants re-medicating. Situational ups and downs, yes, and a slightly depressed state, but not suicidal.

Or maybe I'm just being over-optimistic.

I'm glad that the meds are helping you - it's so nice not to be wholly subject to the whims of your biochem.

[poteidia.livejournal.com]

If you're feeling suicidal then you've left it a little late...it's best to catch it when it is 'just' a slightly depressed state. If it's something you can't pull yourself out of with willpower alone, then I'd say you need a little help. If it's not got to that stage yet I'll cross my fingers for you that it doesn't *hugs*

[beatrice_otter]

My family has a genetic predisposition to depression. Of the six cousins currently older than 21, I am the first to get through without a major depressive episode, usually requiring at least a semester off from college. My mother and my aunt also suffered severe depression when they were younger, and one of my uncles committed suicide. I have thankfully never been through it, but I understand it as well as anyone can who hasn't. I know how hard it is to deal with and how much you need a safety valve.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're very fortunate.

And 'safety valve' is probably one of the best descriptions of this LJ that I've heard! Yes, I blow my top, but in words rather than, say, bullets.

[ishara.livejournal.com]

Please know that I care, and that I understand, having similar emotional issues myself, even though I don't always know what to say, or how to help. *hug*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I feel the same way when I see your posts: don't know what to say or how to help and wish I did.

[slm76.livejournal.com]

I regularly rant... so don't mind me!

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I don't.

[lavidaessueno.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[stef94.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Love you!

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*smooches*

Thank you! Enjoy Avalon!

[saramund.livejournal.com]

Whoa - wait, where are you moving? I didn't even get chance to offer you bed-space at our place, should you need it! (and was going to, too!)

As for the moving, as we discussed earlier, I think it may be good for you, because you need Sel-time, without interruption. YOu, my friend, are an introvert, and for the past few months you've been with company non-stop. That, for those of us that like solitude, is not a healthy way to live - and finding time alone in this city is a MAJOR feat!

You are more than welcome to still come with us to the coast at Christmas time - and trust me, you'll find LOTS of quiet and solitude down there - and people for company, should you need it. And, of course, Chris and I any time you need an ear. *HUGS BIG TIME*

And as for ranting, depression, anger topics on your LJ? Hon - you write it, I'll read it. And where I can, offer hugs and advice, and if nothing else, a meal at our place and an hour away from all that crap.

I was going to offer dinner on Saturday night, but if you're moving, perhaps not.

*hugs again*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

I could deal with having the people around if only I had space for ME! Sharing a room with the sister is not conducive to Sel's sanity on top of everything else.

Straw on the camel's back, etc.

It's only temporary - for a month or so, until Christmas. My uncle has recently separated from his wife and is staying in the empty house of one of his patients (five bedroom house, three living spaces, two eating areas, three bathrooms - it's a flipping McMansion), so I'm moving in there.

And it's closer to my workplace and the M2 intersection than home. Plus, no internet, so hopefully much writing!

Dinner Saturday night should be fine. All I'm doing is moving clothing and bedding over (plus a few books and computer-y things) so it will be fast.

[saramund.livejournal.com]

well, in that case consider yourself invited. we've got car-race on SaturDAY, but turn up, say, 6? Bring yourself.

[sharim.livejournal.com]

*patpat* [hehehehe]

*G*

I'm off for the weekend (camping!) but you know I'm always up for a chat if you want.

And if you feel like yours is all rany and whatever, I feel like mine is all the moaning about my current lack of GUY which is really starting to get to me... *sigh*

Damn him.

*smooch*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

But you have interesting posts about diving and the crazy things that happen in your life!

I understand about the lack of guy. Sometimes I feel pretty much the same.

[sharim.livejournal.com]

I honestly would have thought those diving posts would be boring to you lot because the people hold no relevance, and the diving isn't necessarily somthing people are interested in reading in!

And the lack of guy... it's not so much the *lack* as the *denseness* of the guy involved (well, not involved would be more accurate). Argh.

[amilyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I do worry about you and how hard it is for you to keep an even keel. I worry about me for that too.

Love you...and rant away as often and as much as needed. *hugs*

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I worry about you and how you cope with the fear and uncertainty in your life. But I'm always so impressed and pleased to see you keep soldiering on, hon.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

Maybe when December begins! We can have a picnic in the park or something. :)

[riverstar-aura.livejournal.com]

I know that we don't know each other well, or at all really, but I've been reading your journal since I discovered you had one. I'm not an avid commenter on any journals really but this entry struck a chord.

I can understand how you feel because I'm still on the anti-depressants and also entertained scary ideas of ploughing into telegraph poles with the car.

The hardest thing I find is that you're angry, sad and all these other emotions rolled into one without actually knowing why. It's a bit like a light switch. One minute you're fine, and then the next you're screaming, crying, wailing and bitching at everyone in sight. Although I tend to bottle things up too because I don't like being out of control.

Most of the time though I post my rants as private entries for me to read only. I guess it's because I'm too aware of the fact that anyone can read it and I'm paranoid that someone'll take my raving to heart, but moreso, I think it's because no one wants to read about my crap.

But this comment has turned into a mini post in itself so I'll shut up now! :D

[lyore.livejournal.com]

I don't always comment, but I always read what you write on here. And I'll never defriend you for ranting or venting, no matter the topic.

One of the worst parts of clinical depression is that you think you have it licked, and then all it takes is some seemingly insignificant situational change to bring things to a head again. Moving out is probably a good idea until you get things sorted - space to be yourself makes everything feel better, I find. Just hang in there, and remember that things got better before, and they will get better again.

*hugs*

[suds-from-aus.livejournal.com]

So to where/with whom/yadda yadda are you moving?

[angst-angel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I have no problem with your feeling negatively about something, hon. I hope the moving-out went well. :)