me, my journal, and depression
Nov. 22nd, 2006 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seldearAs I understand it, there are essentially two kinds of depression: chemical (biochemical, a tendency towards negative moods and states of mind, treatable by medication) and situational (bad things happen, not really treatable - the up-down of life).
About seven years ago, things were very screwy for me emotionally. I was down more often than I was up, and after a couple of months where I wondered how fast I would have to drive into that telephone pole to really kill myself and not just end up a paraplegic and more nights spent calling up my mother at 4am in the morning than not, I went for medication and therapy.
Clinically depressed is the medical-ese for it. A chemical imbalance that predisposes one towards the down side of emotion. My body chemistry at the time was extreme badness and the antidepressant medication got me to a plateau where I could look at the issues in my life and work them out. I weaned myself off the antidepressants after about nine months to a year.
Things have never been quite so bad since then. However, I'm aware that I have a genetic predisposition towards chemical states of body that result in depressed states of mind.
As anyone who reads this LJ is aware, I go emotionally up and down pretty fast. But, in all honesty, the big rants are the ones that spend months cumulating - bit by bit by bit - until something pushes me over the edge. Sometimes it's someone's comment, sometimes it's an attitude that irks, sometimes it's just "I've had enough", the cork pops and the anger bubbles out.
And, as several people have pointed out, I'm a writer: writing is how I get things out. Which is why LJ and the need for rantage. I used to write in a paper diary, long, long ago, and it was pretty much the same - depressing, angry, frustrated...emotional vomiting all over the page.
I do the same in this LJ. Not as much and not as negative - believe it or not, what you get is the self-censored version! And looking at my relatively calm, self-censoring, emotionally-contained LJ f-list, I think, "Yeesh. I'm toning it down and I'm still The Rantiest One Of Them All!"
Actually, you might consider yourself luckier than poor old Hello Kitty and Friends (the diary I used to write in). I wrote only emo stuff in that diary!
Earlier today,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
slm76 asked about the awareness of people reading their journals. I can't ever write anything in this LJ without being aware that there are people reading it - it's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I have things I want to say and for others to not only hear but listen as well. On the other, it is possible to say too much and switch people off either hearing or listening. I know I've done that often enough, too.
In the end, I really do try not to post too much depressed or angry stuff. (Yes, you are reading Sel's LJ Lite!) Most of the time, I contain the little sparks of irritation that flare up. But there's a point when the tinder just catches and those are usually the posts that you see: rage and depression and anger and everything.
I understand if people don't want to see that side of me. It hurts, because I've had people who decried the fact that I felt negatively about something and unfriended me as a result of it, but I do understand. I have a couple of people whose LJs I avoid, although that's more a question of taste and lack of common interest than me objecting to negativity on their part. And they seem to avoid mine, too, so in the scheme of things, we're all even.
Once upon a time, this was a fandom journal, but I'm no longer active in those fandoms. And I've always posted the little snippets and skerricks of my life - usually the points that interest me, which may or may not interest you. And, yes, sometimes there will be wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth. Sometimes it will be situational and will be gone the next day, and sometimes it will be an underlying melancholy for which there is no easy cure.
Either way, I appreciate the people reading this LJ and these entries who are willing to do everything from *pat-pat* to cheering me up to providing advice - any of which may be necessary during my time in the slough of despond.
Thank you to those of you willing to try, and unwilling to give up on me. I appreciate it, more than you know, and hope that I'm even half as good a friend and support to you as you are to me.
And now it is most definitely time for bed. I'm out again tomorrow night, and may be out yet again on Friday. And my internet may be sporadic come the weekend (which is good for the NaNo) because I'm moving out. Too many people in this house (6 people in a 4 bedroom house, plus 3 cats) and not enough Sel-space.
About seven years ago, things were very screwy for me emotionally. I was down more often than I was up, and after a couple of months where I wondered how fast I would have to drive into that telephone pole to really kill myself and not just end up a paraplegic and more nights spent calling up my mother at 4am in the morning than not, I went for medication and therapy.
Clinically depressed is the medical-ese for it. A chemical imbalance that predisposes one towards the down side of emotion. My body chemistry at the time was extreme badness and the antidepressant medication got me to a plateau where I could look at the issues in my life and work them out. I weaned myself off the antidepressants after about nine months to a year.
Things have never been quite so bad since then. However, I'm aware that I have a genetic predisposition towards chemical states of body that result in depressed states of mind.
As anyone who reads this LJ is aware, I go emotionally up and down pretty fast. But, in all honesty, the big rants are the ones that spend months cumulating - bit by bit by bit - until something pushes me over the edge. Sometimes it's someone's comment, sometimes it's an attitude that irks, sometimes it's just "I've had enough", the cork pops and the anger bubbles out.
And, as several people have pointed out, I'm a writer: writing is how I get things out. Which is why LJ and the need for rantage. I used to write in a paper diary, long, long ago, and it was pretty much the same - depressing, angry, frustrated...emotional vomiting all over the page.
I do the same in this LJ. Not as much and not as negative - believe it or not, what you get is the self-censored version! And looking at my relatively calm, self-censoring, emotionally-contained LJ f-list, I think, "Yeesh. I'm toning it down and I'm still The Rantiest One Of Them All!"
Actually, you might consider yourself luckier than poor old Hello Kitty and Friends (the diary I used to write in). I wrote only emo stuff in that diary!
Earlier today,
slm76 asked about the awareness of people reading their journals. I can't ever write anything in this LJ without being aware that there are people reading it - it's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I have things I want to say and for others to not only hear but listen as well. On the other, it is possible to say too much and switch people off either hearing or listening. I know I've done that often enough, too.In the end, I really do try not to post too much depressed or angry stuff. (Yes, you are reading Sel's LJ Lite!) Most of the time, I contain the little sparks of irritation that flare up. But there's a point when the tinder just catches and those are usually the posts that you see: rage and depression and anger and everything.
I understand if people don't want to see that side of me. It hurts, because I've had people who decried the fact that I felt negatively about something and unfriended me as a result of it, but I do understand. I have a couple of people whose LJs I avoid, although that's more a question of taste and lack of common interest than me objecting to negativity on their part. And they seem to avoid mine, too, so in the scheme of things, we're all even.
Once upon a time, this was a fandom journal, but I'm no longer active in those fandoms. And I've always posted the little snippets and skerricks of my life - usually the points that interest me, which may or may not interest you. And, yes, sometimes there will be wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth. Sometimes it will be situational and will be gone the next day, and sometimes it will be an underlying melancholy for which there is no easy cure.
Either way, I appreciate the people reading this LJ and these entries who are willing to do everything from *pat-pat* to cheering me up to providing advice - any of which may be necessary during my time in the slough of despond.
Thank you to those of you willing to try, and unwilling to give up on me. I appreciate it, more than you know, and hope that I'm even half as good a friend and support to you as you are to me.
And now it is most definitely time for bed. I'm out again tomorrow night, and may be out yet again on Friday. And my internet may be sporadic come the weekend (which is good for the NaNo) because I'm moving out. Too many people in this house (6 people in a 4 bedroom house, plus 3 cats) and not enough Sel-space.
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-22 10:09 pm (UTC)And the lack of guy... it's not so much the *lack* as the *denseness* of the guy involved (well, not involved would be more accurate). Argh.