the importance of tribe

[seldear]

I'm dealing with someone insidiously nasty at work. He makes small jibes of the kind that might be joking once or twice, but which never come with an apology.

Over time, such things build up, and there's also the risk that others in the office will take their cue from him. At least one person is showing such signs. Sadly, confrontation and reformation isn't an option with the ringleader, he'll just say I'm being too sensitive and make a joke of it - probably a gender-related one that's gently derogatory to women, because that's something else he does with clockwork regularity - and I'm fairly certain things would get worse.

Just to note: there's an essential difference between teasing and being mean. There's someone else in the office who walks the jokery line on the teasing side - and he apologises when he goes too far.

At any rate, it hit breaking point this afternoon. It was get out of the office or cry.

So I phoned saramund and we chatted for about 20mins, only the first few minutes of which were about the situation at work. And, God, I needed that conversation very badly - just something encouraging and familiar with a member of what jenndavis calls my "tribe".

I guess Miss Cornelia would have called it "of the race that knows Joseph", while Anne Shirley/Blythe would have called it "kindred spirits". They're simply people that you can laugh with, be silent with, be silly with, and with whom you can trust your heart.

Over the years, my tribe has changed as tribes do - members come, members go - some people drift to the outskirts, while others stay in the core. They're not defined by geographical location but by soul location - how close our spirits are.

I was so very grateful for saramund this afternoon, and I'm glad of those of my tribe who've been around when things were down as well as when they were up, and offered encouragement, prayers, and/or hugs as necessary.

Thanks, guys.

Comments

[allisnow.livejournal.com]

You need a hug.



There's me coming to give you a hug. I should reach Australia in about 2,400 years.

(In case that doesn't work, in my userpic are some lovely Clint Barton arms for you to enjoy.)

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

LOL. I'm scared now.

[allisnow.livejournal.com]

Scared is okay... scared I can work with ;)

[meg-pat2000.livejournal.com]

why is it that workplace bullies get away with it! we had one in our staffroom, who worked 'under the radar' and accused us of doing things and it just got so out of control that eventually she asked for a transfer due to the stress we were causing her...funny how she is having the same problems at her new workplace....but I completely understand the situation, and I guess it sucks given that you havent been there all that long either.

*massive hugs!!!!* and Bec is always awesome for a chat!

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

In this case, I suspect it's because he characterises it as "harmless joking".

Except that it's pretty much poison darts of the kind that I don't take from my inner Nasty Bitch To Self voice anymore - and have mostly ignored for the better part of the last twelve years.

Either he truly believes I'm "not even a pretty face" or that he doesn't have to be "gentlemanly" because I'm "not a lady" - in which case, he's a dickhead - or he's just scoring petty points.

I suspect it's also because I don't stay good and quiet and in the background (like a woman should - no, he has not actually said this, but a great many of his slurs are gender-oriented or designed to denigrate females and the feminine) - there are two other women in the office, neither of whom have a smart mouth like me. So they don't need to be taken down a peg, so to speak. I suspect it's only the loudmouthed, unfemale bitches who need to be put in their place.

[missyvortexdv.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear there are people being jerks at your new workplace. :(

Doing all I can do, sending cute cat video...

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

LOL. Thanks for the hilarious kitteh vid.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

That's probably the hardest thing: never knowing when an innocuous comment is going to be turned into a personal failing. There's a part of me that thinks that maybe I should just hunker down and shut up - but that's not me.

And, truthfully, he's saying the kind of things I used to say to myself when I was 16 - eg. my inner teenaged 'queen bee' bitch that went on about how I wasn't pretty or stylish or worth paying attention to (because I wasn't pretty or stylish) - and who I deliberately stopped listening to around the time I turned 24 because I realised I didn't need her spouting such shit at me.

*hugs* It was good to see you, too!

[sjhw-tolerance.livejournal.com]

Sel, isn't there some recourse in terms of a personnel policy related to work-place behavior? (the exact terminology escapes me now). Most businesses have some kind of policy in place regarding appropriate behavior in the work-place, might be worth checking out.

[seldearslj.livejournal.com]

There is. I'm thinking I might start with a one on one confrontation, or possibly a one-with-the-manager confrontation. Because I don't want to work like this: waiting for someone to tear me down every day, "joke" or not.

[chiroho.livejournal.com]

According to the mandatory training I need to do as a manager every year, if you're in these sort of situations you should tell your manager/HR. (Which is where the whole mandatory harassment training becomes useless because I don't think there was one single situation in the training where the advice was anything other than "tell your manager or HR person", which seems ridiculous. I mean, do I just go directly to the freaking CEO FCOL? Anyway ...) It doesn't matter whether the person thinks they're being funny, you find the situation uncomfortable and hence it's making the work environment difficult. And I know full well that in Aus there are many guys who seem to think it's okay to have those little sexist or barbed comments - especially to women. But that doesn't make any of it right.

Unfortunately, this sort of conversation can sometimes actually make the situation more difficult, but I think it's important that you do something. Because needing to get out of the office or cry? So. Not. Right!

Not much I can do for you from here except pray, but will do that. Strangely enough, it does work on occasion. :)

[wojelah.livejournal.com]

*hugs you on principle*

[arrietty.livejournal.com]

*squishes* He needs a good sound kick in the mikta

[b36.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to read that you've had to experience that crap, especially in a new workplace - but it was great that you were able to talk to saramund.

And like sjhw_tolerance said, take action through official channels.

Way back in early 1997 when I began my IT career, I was at another site one day when I asked someone there an innocent technical question - but I wasn't even able to complete asking that question before a nearby team leader butted in and nastily tore strips off of me. I was left feeling stunned, shaken and very small - especially as I still had to remain at that site for the next two hours.

When I finally got back to my desk, I found a note to call someone whom I'd never heard of. He turned out to be someone who'd seen that team leader tear strips off of me, and he had reported the team leader for how badly I'd been treated. I was so stunned yet touched by that unexpected act of kindness, I went into the toilets after the call and burst into tears.

During the next six or so months I had to deal with that team leader several more times - but thanks to someone else taking proper action, I was never again treated like dirt.